Lately I’ve been waking up in the morning feeling all sorts of panic. I’ve been losing sleep, juggling too many projects at the same time, getting my deadlines and commitments mixed up, having too many unanswered messages, drowning in lists, bills, codes.
And then there’s the struggle with raising twin toddlers who are growing way too fast, and that nagging guilt that comes with not being able to be there for them as much as I want/need.
That’s not to say that I’m unhappy. There’s so much to be grateful for—I love my job, I have a work setup that’s very supportive of my family’s circumstances, I’m able to earn a bit from something I love to do on the side, I belong to a community I’m passionate about, and have a growing network of clients, collaborators and friends. Most of all, I have two happy and healthy kids, a supportive and loving husband, roof above our heads, food on the table, a warm bed at night.
I guess the “panic” comes from feeling tired all the time, and being frustrated about the lists that never end, the hours that don’t seem to be enough, and the fact that I have to keep working even when sometimes working is the last thing I want to do.
Reviewing my One Word for 2015
I keep reminding myself that I wanted this. My one word for 2015 is PURSUE, and in a blog post last January I mentioned that I intentionally picked a verb because I want this year to be a year packed with action. The girls are 2-years old, I’m at the prime of my years, and here is an opportunity for me to be up on my toes, to hustle, and to work as hard as I can.
And oh wow, I am really hustling and working hard.
I’ve been jumping at every opportunity that comes my way, accepting as many commitments as I can squeeze in my planner, and as a result, I’ve been spreading myself too thinly. While these are all good for my growth and self-discovery (“good problems”, I would say), I can see that purging and figuring out what I really want is what’s next.
That, or another baby.
Because pregnancy seems like the only thing that can make me slow down. Haha.
I’m kidding. How can we squeeze in another baby at a time like this right?
The truth is
As always, focusing on God’s blessings and promises is always therapeutic.
Today I read this passage
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation. Selah. Psalm 68:19
..and I’m blown away by how, this big God who created the universe, who probably has a ton of better things to do than listen to my questions and complaints, would love me enough to bother bearing my burdens daily. Not just on Sundays, or every other day, or once a month. He bears our burdens day by day by day.
I don’t know about you but knowing that makes me feel like I can take on anything!
How’s 2015 been for you? :)